Compliments not given
I am guilty. I don't know how to give compliments well. Oh, I know the mechanics but I just don't know the etiquette. It always seems that there is a sudden deafening pause after I attempt to give a compliment - an uneasy silence during which I don't know what to do.
Mostly this is due to my other failing, not knowing how to properly receive a compliment. I attribute this to a complex internal dialog that occurs just after the complimentor offers their critical praise.
- Fear: Why am I being singled out?
- Quid pro quo: What do I owe in return?
- Buttered-up: Somebody wants a piece of me?
- Contempt: Discounting the veracity of the complimentor.
- And the worst, Denial: Dismissing the compliment with "I am not worthy."
"Thank you"
No dialog, no second guessing, no judgemental gymnastics. If any of the possible "piece-of-me" issues arise subsequently I will deal with them as wholly separate transactions. Until then I will just focus on accepting the compliment.
On now to the giving of compliments. I don't give them often because of that deadly silence that always seems to follow my attempts. In that uncomfortable moment I am plagued with an entire set of new issues.
- Discomfort: Complimentee is embarrassed
- Dismissed: Complimentee says/thinks, "Yeah, what ever."
- Undermined: Complimentee says/thinks, "Yeah, but its not as good as it could be."
- Redirected: Complimentee says/thinks, "You should see so-and-so's work."
- Oblivion: Complimentee stands silent, not knowing how to receive a compliment.
You look marvelous.
Addendum: Ironically, in the past if I was sure that the message would be delivered correctly I would be more inclined to give the compliment to a mutual friend, to be delivered second hand. Interesting how a 'second-hand' compliment means more in the community and is easier to accept.
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